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The journey to conception

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So I’m 32 (and a half), and I have endometriosis…At first I was relieved that there was a reason I wasn’t conceiving.

So I’m 32 (and a half), and I have endometriosis. I was first diagnosed after visiting a fertility clinic late 2015. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since we were married early 2014.

At first I was relieved that there was a reason I wasn’t conceiving. I didn’t really have the symptoms that most women experience with endo as my periods weren’t very heavy and I didn’t think my cramping was excessive. But sex hurt… a lot. It hurt so much sometimes I would cry afterwards. I can’t begin to imagine how that must have made my husband feel…

But sex hurt… a lot. It hurt so much sometimes I would cry afterwards. I can’t begin to imagine how that must have made my husband feel…

I had my first excision surgery to remove the endometriosis in February 2016. By all reports it was a successful surgery and we were left to try for a natural conception.
We fell pregnant in June 2017 but sadly miscarried after 10.5 weeks. It was horrid. I would not wish that experience on my worst enemy.
I was at work when it happened and the pain was so bad I could barely walk. But I had to keep it together so not to alert people around me.
And then after a few days of time off work to recover from the miscarriage (physically) the emotional scars were left behind and I was meant to act like nothing happened.
I was sad everyday.
I cried everyday for so long I don’t even remember when I finally stopped crying.
I felt guilty.
I felt ashamed.
And I felt extremely alone.
We’re not really taught to talk about miscarriages and on leaving the hospital I wasn’t offered any materials on how to cope with my loss. My GP didn’t even offer anything when I went for a check up a couple of weeks later…
It was a few months later at a friends house that I realised just how common it really is. I was there to meet her baby girl for the first time and it was there that her and her husband openly talked about the baby they lost before their baby girl was conceived.
I always thank them for this day. It was a day that changed my life.
Since then I have openly talked about my miscarriage with whomever I have felt like I wanted to share my story with.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
It wasn’t my fault.
I’m not alone.
Now I’m over 3 years into my journey to becoming a mother and whilst I don’t yet have the happy ending, I have learned so much about myself and have so much more compassion for myself than I ever have.
Any day now… I know it will happen.

Image via #Pinterest

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